1 Life-Changing Skill from The Best-Selling Book, Crucial Conversations.
This single takeaway has been a game-changer for me, and I hope it can be for you as well.
I recently finished listening to the book Crucial Conversations on Audible, and I loved it.
It’s a must-read for anybody that communicates with others (everybody) and wants to improve their skills (hopefully everybody).
The book guides readers through many real-life examples of crucial conversations and helps readers identify how best to navigate these conversations to improve their outcomes.
Alright, so let’s cut to the chase.
Here is my biggest takeaway from the book:
Towards the end of the book, the authors present an idea called retaking your pen:
Retaking your pen: Learning to author your worth.
Everybody has a pen that they use to write the stories they tell themselves about themselves. When you look to others to determine your self-worth and value as an individual, you give them your pen. If someone else has your pen, they get to write the stories that you tell yourself about yourself.
Don’t lend out your pen to others. Instead, keep your pen in your control, and be the author of your own story.
As Justin Hale writes from the Crucial Conversations blog:
Whoever holds your pen can compose the terms of your wellbeing. Some days you feel in full possession of your pen no matter what is happening; your personal security comes from an enduring sense of your innate worth and not from others’ opinions of you.
Other times it’s a struggle to hold onto your pen and stay anchored in your value amid a storm of negative feedback and opinions — especially when we believe that feedback threatens our safety and/or worth, two of our most fundamental psychological needs.
If you ever find yourself reacting to the criticisms or compliments of others, realize that you’ve just given them your pen, and it is time to take it back. If you’re struggling with someone’s feedback, think to yourself, “Where is my pen?” and use that as a reminder to focus inward rather than outward, and retake your pen.
Simple in theory, difficult in practice.
As a recovering perfectionist, I used to build my entire image on the opinions of others. I would constantly strive to go above and beyond in every situation to earn the rewarding praise of my family, peers, coworkers, and friends.
Old habits die hard, and although I am actively focused on keeping my pen in my control, it’s not always easy. That said, from now on, I will be reminding myself to retake my pen and asking myself where is my pen when I realize I am looking to others to determine my value.
Your value is built-in from day one.
Here’s a fun sidebar: your value is built-in from day one. There is nothing you need to do, say, or be to have value. You are inherently valuable by default.
Once you realize that, you can forget about the judgments and criticisms of others, and understand that you are a worthy and valuable human being, no matter what.
Now, that’s not to say you should ignore any negative feedback or criticism you receive, since there may be some nuggets of gold hiding in there, but rather that you should not feel your value as a person diminish due to negative feedback or criticism.
That’s all I’ve got for now. Remember, retake your pen and stay in control of your self-worth. When you feel it slipping, gently remind yourself it’s your pen, your worth, and your story.
Let me know what you think in the comments below and if you’ve read the book, I would love to hear what stuck out to you!