Here Are 3 Steps You Can Take if Your Partner is Anxious About Coasting to Financial Independence.
Last week I asked for your questions about coasting to financial independence, and you delivered!
Here’s one of the questions that came in:
“Do you have any advice for people who are set on the path to downshifting, but have partners that are more anxious about it?”
I appreciate this question because it helps illustrate the nuance and complexity of making financial decisions as a couple, and I think it’s one that comes up a lot when considered coasting to FI because frankly: this strategy can be kind of scary.
And it’s funny, I actually experienced this twice with my partner: First when I convinced her we should pursue FIRE and retire in our mid-30’s, and second when I convinced her we should stop pursuing FIRE and coast to financial independence instead. (You can hear more about our story here: My Coast FI Story: Why I Chose to Deliberately Slow Down My Path to Financial Independence.)
Now, to my wife’s credit, she’s a very open minded person and is willing to entertain ideas even if they’re counter-culture or a bit “out-there,” which definitely helped. But, it took some time for her to come around to the idea of coasting, especially after being on the path to FIRE for a number of years.
And as I reflect back, here are 3 steps I would offer to anyone in a similar situation.
Here Are 3 Steps You Can Take if Your Partner is Anxious About Coasting to Financial Independence.
Step 1: Ask and LISTEN.
The first and most important step you can take is to understand your partner’s point of view. Approach your partner with curiosity and see if they’re interested in an open conversation about coasting to FI.
Ask them: What worries you most about coasting to financial independence?
And then listen. Mouth closed, ears open, just listen.
Try paraphrasing back what you’ve heard to help clarify: “Okay, so it sounds like you’re most worried about losing out on some of our prime earning years? What else?”
Or: “Yeah I hear you, I worry about future returns being lower than expected as well.”
Keep in mind that your only goal here is to leave the conversation with a 100% crystal-clear understanding of your partner’s worries and hesitations. By doing this, you’ll show your partner two critical things:
You hear them.
You care about their views.
Step 2: Avoid a debate.
Have you ever felt like arguing has the opposite effect?
Well, that’s because it usually does, according to Peter Bregman from the Harvard Business Review. Peter writes:
“Arguing achieves a predictable outcome: it solidifies each person’s stance. Which, of course, is the exact opposite of what you’re trying to achieve with the argument in the first place. It also wastes time and deteriorates relationships.”
So what should you do instead?
Well it’s actually very simple, just refer back to step 1 and LISTEN. Peter continues:
“Listening has the opposite effect of arguing. Arguing closes people down. Listening slows them down. And then it opens them up. When someone feels heard, he relaxes. He feels generous. And he becomes more interested in hearing you.
That’s when you have a shot of doing the impossible: changing that person’s mind. And maybe your own. Because listening, not arguing, is the best way to shift a perspective.”
Step 3: Reframe.
Once you’ve heard what your partner has to say and gained a true understanding of their fears around coasting to financial independence, you can begin to reframe the situation.
Remember: there’s no one-size-fits all approach to your money, and that goes for coasting to FI as well.
Knowing what you know about your situation and your partner’s fears about coasting, what could a good reframe look like?
Here are some possibilities to consider:
Maybe instead of downshifting completely or all at once you consider a phased or tiered approach. This could mean asking for every other Friday off at your current job instead of going part-time, or growing your side-hustle before deciding to leave your current job.
Maybe instead of taking your foot all the way off the gas and stopping savings altogether, you keep saving some. Remember, coasting means savings is optional, not forbidden. If continuing to save will help ease your partner’s fears about coasting, then bake that into your plan. Try to come up with a strategy that will allow you to downshift your work, while still earning enough to cover living expenses and continue hitting certain savings goals.
Maybe use more conservative return assumptions when calculating your coast FI number. If your partner is concerned about future returns being lower than anticipated, help model that into your plan. Maybe that means using 4 or 5% real returns (after-inflation) instead of 6, 7, or 8%.
Lastly, maybe float the possibility of doing a coast FI test run, with the option of going back to your old strategy. It’s possible that your partner is concerned about coasting to financial independence because they feel like there’s no going back. I know a lot of people have that fear, but I am here to say: you can always go back to the life you were living before. If the two of you try coasting for a while and realize it’s not for you, no harm no foul, you can always revert back to your old strategy. Just be sure to avoid burning any bridges as you transition to coast FI, and be confident in your ability to go back to your old life whenever you want.
Looking back, I know one of the big things that helped my wife and I decide to coast was having the opportunity to “test-drive” a coast FI lifestyle. We had that option when I took 6-weeks of paternity leave back in 2020. We got to experience the joy of mid-morning walks in the park with our newborn daughter, eating three meals a day together as a family, and appreciating a slower and more connected pace of life.
That test-drive opened our eyes to a new way of living.
Of course, we still had to figure out how to make the math work, which took time, but after experiencing what a coast FI lifestyle could mean for our little family, we were willing to do whatever it would take.
So, I hope that helps and I wish you luck!
What about you—what do you think?