Pursuing Financial Independence to Spend More Time With Your Kids

Your kids don't want more stuff, they want you.

As a dad, I feel that spending time with my daughter is one of the most essential aspects of life. That’s one of the big reasons that I’m currently pursuing financial independence and decided to start coasting to financial independence once my daughter was born.

Unfortunately, it seems many parents—especially dads—can get a bit mixed up on what is important when it comes to “providing” for your children, not only financially but in all other ways. This can cause many to focus their time and efforts solely at work, justifying it by taking stock of all the money and “stuff” they provide for their children.

Deep down, I think most parents know that their kids don’t want more stuff. They want time with their parents. They want parents that have the mental bandwidth to sit down and listen to them talk about their day, or the dream they had last night, or the kid that took a toy from them during playtime. Our children crave our time and attention, and offering that to them is not only a great use of our precious time but has been shown to boost their self-confidence and social skills, two key ingredients to a happy and productive life.

Take advantage of the time while it’s there.

One of the most eye-opening realizations of my life came from an article I read called The Tail End, from the blog Wait but Why. The article explores the entirety of an average human life, using various metrics and measuring sticks to quantify just how precious our limited time is. In the article, the author discusses how he never realized it, but by the time he graduated high school and moved out of his parent’s home, he had already experienced roughly 93% of the in-person time he would get with them.

When I read that, it hit me like a ton of bricks—truly driving home how fleeting time is, especially time with our parents.

As a new dad, I feel so lucky to be exposed to this idea and understand what I am up against. By the time my daughter graduates high school, we’ve likely used up the vast majority of our in-person time together for our lives, so we better take advantage of it while it’s there.

Knowing what I know, I’ve made a conscious decision to put “spending time with my daughter” at the top of my priority list, coming ahead of advancement in my job or career, as I know that no amount of money can replace the time we get together.

The way I look at it, when I’m 50, I can always go back and make more money and focus on my career, but I can’t get the time back that I wish I had with my daughter. Once it’s gone, it is gone, and there’s no going back. So in my mind, time is a much more scarce and finite resource than money, so I will always choose more time with the people I love over more money.

Of course, I understand that I need to provide for my family financially. There’s no question there. But what I am saying is that providing for my family is not just financial—that’s just one aspect. Providing for my family also means being around and present, being emotionally available, being open to discussions, and listening to what’s going on in their lives. It is so much more than being a career guy that brings home the bacon but misses every sports game.

No one ever looks back and says, “I wish I would have spent more time at work.”

One of my favorite books comes from Karl Pillemer, P.h.D and author of 30 Lessons for Living: Tried and True Advice from the Wisest Americans. 

In the book, Pillemer interviews a thousand older Americans, most between the age of 70 to 100, and asks them questions to reflect on their lives in an attempt to pull out some actionable wisdom for his readers.

On the topic of parenting, a few things stuck out to me. First, nobody ever looked back and said, “I wish I would have spent more time at work” or “I just wish I would have made more money so I could have bought my kids more stuff.” However, the wish that comes up time and time again throughout the book is “I wish I would have spent more time with my kids.”

One of the biggest regrets parents have as they are approaching the end of their life is they didn’t make their kids a priority, letting other things gobble up the majority of their free time. Older Americans reflected on how this impacted their relationship with their children over the years, and many wished they could go back and do it all over again, putting time with their children above all else.

As a parent, I want to avoid that regret at all costs. I want to make sure when I look back and reflect on my life, I know that I put time with my kids above all else and built strong and healthy relationships with my children because I signaled to them from day one how important they are to me and how much I care about them.

It’s all about time.

In his book, Pillemer outlines five lessons on parenting, with the first lesson being “It’s all about time.” 

He says that at the end of the day, all your kids want is time with you. Everything else is secondary. He goes on to provide some additional tips:

• Spend more time with your children, and be willing to sacrifice to do it

• Above all else, they want you with them.

• Children don’t hate spending time with their parents. It’s just that parents want to dictate the activities. Try letting the child guide the activity and see how things go.

• It’s not the activity that’s important; it’s the shared time.

• Go along with your children’s interests and make them shared activities you can enjoy together.

• Time shared in mundane activities beats special occasions. It also serves as an opportunity for your kids to open up to you about what they’re struggling with.

• Sacrificing to share time in their interests or discover new interests will fill them with fondness and nostalgia in adulthood.

It’s the greatest gift you can give.

I recently heard a story about Tom Brady and his dad, Tom Brady, Sr. In the story, Brady described how as soon as his dad got home from work every day, Brady was instantly at him with requests. Can we go shoot free throws? Brady would ask his dad. Can we go to the batting cages tonight, Will you hit me some ground balls? 

Brady says that no matter how hard or long of a workday his dad had, he always responded with the same answer: Yep. Every single time.

Brady went on to say that “Being available to me was the greatest gift I could ever receive from my dad,” “He never said no to me.” Brady Sr. showed his son from day one that he was important and that he loved to spend time with him, no matter what. 

Financial independence offers you time.

By deciding to master your money and pursue financial independence, you put yourself in a unique and strong position to control your time. Once you’ve figured out money, it’s up to you to decide how you’ll spend your time. 

For me, I’ve decided that coasting to financial independence will offer the best balance between reaching FI and giving me the freedom and flexibility that I want right now. This means I can take summers off to travel with my family and work flexibly throughout the rest of the year, as we only need to cover living expenses.

Above all else, it allows me the space to be present for my daughter, help her understand how important she is to me, and allow me the time to build a healthy and strong relationship with her, making lasting memories each step of the way.